Jesse Jane (god bless her sweet, bubbly heart) made a choice to get a massive breast augmentation. Seriously, each one of her breasts is about as big as her head. She really wanted giant tits. She now has giant tits and is consistently happy with them. I think they look pretty cool on her even though I wouldn’t want them in my own body.
Her choice is just as valid as the choice of a woman who gets heavily tattooed, or declines any sort of body modification. This applies to any woman who does or does not make changes to her appearance, whether they are mostly permanent and surgical or extremely temporary and involving a tube of lipstick or mascara. You might not like it, but you don’t have to look at them, fuck them, or be friends with them if you find their choices that offensive.
I’m really tired of hearing “porn fans” say things about how they like me better than “those women who have ruined their bodies with plastic.” That’s a direct quote from one… one who happens to be female. I’m especially tired of seeing them specify which women they’re referring to by name. That’s not paying me a compliment. That’s saying nasty things about coworkers that I appreciate as human beings and respect.
I’m also really tired of hearing some feminists say that any CHOICE made by a woman is invalid or wrong because it doesn’t line up with THEIR idea of liberated womanhood. Do you want equality and freedom of choice or do you want everyone in the sex industries and other traditionally female occupations to roll over and do what you say? If you want the latter, you are just as bad as the patriarchy that you rail so hard against.
My body, my choice.
EXACTLY. My body, my choice.
There are indeed ways to approach women that aren’t creepy. I liked the example that mariktbone gave, and would like to contribute.
Once, I was trying to get to a job interview in the middle of London and I got horribly lost with only 20 minutes to spare. I was at the end of my wits and almost in tears when a man approached me and said “Excuse me miss. Are you alright? I don’t mean to bother you, but is there any way I can help?” He was clearly on his way to work, but stopped anyway. I told him that I was lost and gave him the address to the place I was going to see if I could get directions. Instead of just letting me get lost again, he told me where it was located, then proceeded to walk me to my interview. With my permission, of course. On the way there, he stopped in a Starbucks and got me a mince pie because I mentioned that I hadn’t eaten because I wanted to get to the interview on time. Then, he dropped me off. I thanked him profusely and he said “No trouble at all, love. It was my pleasure to spend some time with a beautiful girl. Good luck on your interview and enjoy your stay in the city.” and then he walked away. No demands for any compensation for his trouble. No leering. No expectations. Just letting me know that he found me attractive and that the time spent with me was pleasing and worth it.
Of course this is extraordinary happenstance, but I feel that it works well to show an example of a situation that could have gone terribly. He could have given me directions and force followed me there. Or not given directions at all, creating a situation where I would have had to rely on him. He could have asked for a kiss in exchange for buying me something. He could have leered at me and flirted with me all the way there. The man didn’t even give me his number afterwards, because I’m sure he knew that would push my comfort boundaries and I was already distressed.
If a man wants to approach a woman, he should think about how he would feel if someone approached his mother or sister in the same way. He should be aware that he is intruding into someone’s life and that she was not put there just so he can compliment her. He should be sensitive to her sensitivities and not approach her with vulgarity if she is alone or vulnerable.
Nothing more to say.
I get annoyed when guys act as if their harassment is okay because “how else are we supposed to approach women?”
With respect, dumbass.
It’s annoying when women talk about how a guy was creeping them out while they were hitting on them, and the response is “Can you just not take a compliment?” (happened to me)
Women can, in fact, take compliments. I get very happy when I get compliments, because it’s just a nice thing to hear.
“You look great in that dress.”
“You have a very pretty smile.”
I’m even totally okay with “You have great legs.”
You know what isn’t a compliment?
“I’ll be masturbating over your legs later.”
Patting your lap and saying I can sit there is also not a compliment.
There are plenty of non creepy ways to approach women too. I once had a guy who needed directions stand a couple of feet away and ask if I minded giving him directions real quick. We happened to be going in the same direction, so he asked if I minded if he walked with me. I said okay because it was a public street with other people around.
Point being, he didn’t just get into my space, he didn’t stop me from going anywhere, he didn’t hit on me, and he didn’t immediately start walking with me.
Following a girl in your car and trying to intimidate her into getting in the car is not okay. Leaning across the bus aisle to stare intently at a girl’s legs and trying to talk to her even though she’s obviously creeped out is not okay.
Basically, all you have to do is treat a girl like a person instead of a blow up doll.
I was talking about this with someone the other day. I do not get pissed at or bothered by guys complimenting me. Compliments are nice. I compliment men & women all the time. What annoys me is when someone is clearly disrespecting my personal space or using crass language with me. I am a human being. I do not exist for you to gawk at or undress with your eyes. Treat me with respect & I will do the same to you. Easy as that.
Male privilege is makeup. The fact that some women feel the need to wear it, but all men can always go without it.
Male privilege is the billion-dollar beauty industry designed to make some women feel the need to alter their natural appearance in order to attract a man.
I disagree with this. While makeup & fashion can be “used to attract men”, many women use it as a form of expression. They wear makeup to create a visage that makes them happy, not men. Male privilege definitely exists but this statement is so broad & generalizing & doesn’t take into account the millions of women who like wearing makeup or those who have no desire to wear it.
EDIT: I reread the original post & they do say some women. Still, I feel like more women I have come across in life enjoy wearing makeup if/when they decide to wear it then feel pressured to do so by society.
It seems like women have been sharing their experiences with sexual harassment all over the place in the past few weeks. That’s what prompted me to share mine. As Jen Bennett said on twitter, there is clearly something in the air. It should be in the air. Speaking up is the only way that we can help people understand that something is an issue. Sharing is how we let each other know that we are not alone. Open discussion raises awareness of things like http://www.slutwalktoronto.com/ and http://www.ihollaback.org/.
Street harassment is not a rare or isolated occurrence. It does not only happen in America. It does not only happen to young or traditionally-considered-“beautiful” women. It does not only happen on public transit or in low income areas.
We shouldn’t have to have a big angry dog named Funster to protect us. We shouldn’t have to carry Mace or a knife, hoping that we’ll be able to use it properly if necessary or investing hours of our lives in self defense courses (something a lot of women have neither the time nor disposable income to do). We shouldn’t have to travel in packs to feel safe (again, something that isn’t really feasible).
Men have been responding saying that they want to divorce their gender. That they didn’t realize, until we started sharing our stories en masse, what it is like to be a woman. That they wish there was something they could do. That they’re sorry for the way other men treat people. Men shouldn’t *have* to feel like they need to apologize on behalf of their gender, or feel ashamed of being male. Unless they’re one of the ones doing the harassing, I don’t think they should apologize.
There are things that can be done. When someone you know engages in inappropriate or harassing behavior towards a woman, let them know they did something totally not cool. Like: “Actually, that woman had a right to be upset when you chased her down the street. She was completely accurate when she called it creepy.” or “Hey, this story you’re telling me about putting your dick on a drunk stranger’s face at a party when she clearly didn’t want it there but was too sleepy to fend you off, that was a totally not cool thing to do with your penis, bro.” Teach every moldable male(1) mind (brothers, friends, sons) that treating women (humans) with respect is the right thing to do. Don’t have sex with jerks. Don’t blow them, don’t give them a handjob, don’t give them your phone number. If you hear a woman asking a man to leave her alone or calling attention to the fact that he’s whacking off in the train station, add your voice to hers. Say “This is not ok. This is not cool. We see what you are doing and it is unacceptable.”
(1) I’m focusing on the men here because I’ve never experienced or heard of a case of menacing street harassment by a female. I could be misinformed. Could be. Possibly.
She touches on an important point here - every man should not have to apologize for the transgressions of other men. This is everyone’s problem. We all - men, women, non-binary gendered individuals - share a duty to end this problem. We all need to speak up when we see something that is clearly wrong going on around us. I believe that there is a chance that the world can change, but it won’t happen if people don’t help each other out & call out the harassers/abusers. I am not saying that the people being harassed need to do the calling out - I am saying that anyone & everyone who sees incidents like this happening need to. My faith in humanity is not completely gone. I hope people show me that faith is not in vain.
I can actually remember every time a person at a convention or trade show has touched me inappropriately. My first year at the Venus Fair in Berlin there was a man who shoved two of his fingers into my panty-covered vagina. It was really fast, like he was standing there one second and the next I was trying to figure out how the gusset of my underwear had ended up *in* my vulva. There was a man in Texas who rather violently squeezed my ass while we were taking a picture and then laughed at how I’d “squealed like a piglet”. Seriously. I’m kind of disappointed by how much of a stereotype he was. At AVN this year, a guy grabbed my forearm while I was walking from the elevators to Digital Playground’s booth. He let go when I punched him in the testicle area. There’s an average of three people per convention who try the more subtle approach of sliding their hand a *bit* too far down my back when I stand next to them for a photo. Every single one of them apologizes when I gently put their hand back where it belongs and ask them to remember that I am not a blow up doll.
The above paragraph is absolutely nothing, NOTHING, compared to what it’s like to be a girl or woman walking around in public in broad daylight. With dirty hair up in a ponytail or bun, no makeup, and baggy clothing on. With headphones in, sitting in a coffee shop or on the subway with your nose in a book, or talking on the phone.
Men have followed me down the street poking me in what one can only assume is an attempt to get my attention. Men have grabbed the cord to my headphones and ripped them out of my ears. Multiple times. Men have grabbed parts of my body, or my coat or purse strap. Twice, when I was transporting my Lyra (the three foot metal hoop/circus apparatus I do aerial work on) they have grabbed the hoop and refused to let go until I threatened to kick them. They’ve blocked me into corners on mostly empty subway cars, followed me for blocks and then stood outside whatever shop I duck into for absurd amounts of time. They stop their cars in the middle of the crosswalk to stare and yell things out of the window. Years ago, in Philadelphia, one man walked around my neighborhood asking people if they knew where this blue-haired white girl lived because he wanted to return her phone. Fortunately my neighbors were too smart for that trick.
They say I have a sweet ass, nice tits, a real pretty dress. They say I’m their future wife, or I’d look good with their dick in my mouth. They try (and probably succeed at times) to take pictures down my shirt. They ask if they can get my number, they ask where I live, why I’m not smiling, why my boyfriend lets me walk around by myself. Then they ask why I’m such a bitch, if my pussy is made of ice. They say that they never do this, as though I’ve somehow driven them to inappropriate behavior and deserve it. They say they’re just having fun, trying to pay me a compliment. Pretty frequently they get mean, slipping into a loud tourettes-like chant of bitch-whore-cunt-slut.
Before you try to tell me that it’s because I take my clothes off for a living, let me tell you that this started way before I was 18. Let me tell you that every single woman I know has at least one truly terrifying story of street harassment and a whole bunch of other stories that are merely insulting or annoying. Let me remind you that in a room of pornography fans, who have actually seen me with a dick in my mouth and who can buy a replica of my vagina in a can or box, I am treated with far more respect than I am walking down the street.
This is absolutely true. One day I will post my experiences because so many of us have them. When people say that guys aren’t any more privileged then girls, I say bullshit. What guy has to deal with this sort of harassment? I can barely go out in public without being made uncomfortable by a complete stranger. As Stoya mentioned, this isn’t something that just happens at clubs, bars, & parties. For me it most often happens when I am travelling on public transportation, waiting in line for my coffee, shopping at the supermarket, or at my workplace - the last being a place where I am expected to be polite to the customers. It is absolutely disgusting & this sort of behavior desperately needs to be corrected.
MAKE IT REBLOGGABLE PLS
This is exactly how I feel about abortion.
My favorite show at the moment. I absolutely love this clip.
This point can never be repeated often enough.
I don’t understand how people can disagree with this.
Love Rachel Maddow. Also - this is so true.
Thursday, someone overheard me at work talking about the fact that I have been running lately & going to the gym.
Then the same guy saw me making a fresh smoothie out of mango, banana, & orange juice & said, “Oh, you are doing this whole dieting thing, too, how much weight are you trying to lose.” I responded with my goal weight & told him I love eating healthy because it tastes better than junk food. He replied, “See, that’s the problem with white girls they are always trying to get skinny,” to my boyfriend who is Dominican. To which I retorted, “I am not trying to get skinny, I am trying to get fit.” His response, “Let me ask you one question: what does your man think about how you look?” Mine, “It doesn’t matter what he thinks, I am doing this for me & no one else.” My boyfriend applauded.
I love who I am & I love my body - that is why I am trying to treat it better & give it the nourishment & exercise it deserves. I will not let anyone make me feel bad about taking care of myself.
Reblogging myself because I feel like this is relevant to both of my tumblrs.
You go, JCP.
[Image: A picture of a tall, very thin Black woman with her shoulder over a shorter, older white man wearing traditional Orthodox Jewish clothing on a New York sideway.]
“This one is very serious, guys:
I came upon these two on the sidewalk. They were having a conversation. “Excuse me,” I said, addressing the girl: “I’m sorry to interrupt, but is there anyway I can take your photo?”
“Why would you want my photo?” she asked.
“Because you look beautiful,” I said. And she did. She was Sudanese. There is a very distinct beauty among people from the Sudan, and she was filled up with it. Suddenly the man cut in:
“I was just telling her she was beautiful,” he said.
Naively, I assumed I had just walked up on one stranger giving a compliment to another. I wanted to capture the moment. “Let me take your photograph together,” I said. The man seemed reluctant, he started smiling nervously and inching away. But the girl called him back.
“Come take a picture with me,” she said. Encouraged by her attention, he returned. She put her arm around him, and I took the photo.
As I examined the photos on my camera, the man started whispering to the girl. She answered him in a loud voice: “I told you! I’m not that kind of girl.” She seemed agitated now. Finally sensing that I had misread the situation, I stepped between them. The man began hurrying down the sidewalk.
When the man left, the girl’s demeanor changed completely. She seemed shaken. Her eyes were tearing up. “He just offered me five hundred dollars to go out with him,” she said. “And then when I said ‘no,’ he offered me one thousand. Why does this always happen to me?”
“It happens a lot?” I asked.
“All the time,” she said. “I’m sorry I’m getting emotional. I just can’t go out of my house without this kind of thing happening. I have a son. I’m a mother. I would never degrade myself like that. I just don’t understand why this keeps happening.”
“Do you mind if I tell this story?” I asked.
“Please,” she said. “Tell it.”